The 7 best salesmen in PC games

Earlier this week I earned the disdain of not only wristwatch fans but also fans of older men, in a hyper-efficient blast of upset caused simply by pointing out that Leon Kennedy is a salesman now. But maybe this was harsh. Maybe my spitting upon the practice of product placement was unfair to the salespeople of the world, who do their part to keep the global economy afloat. Afloat, like a raft made out of Coca-cola bottles and bubble wrap drifting on the great Pacific garbage patch.

By way of apology, here is a celebration of the best salesfolks in PC games.

The Merchant - Resident Evil 4

"Hello, stranger!" says this friendly, white-eyed, hooded man in an accent that is either Cockney or Australian depending on the mood of both speaker and listener. He is a decent guy, always willing to buy or sell an egg. He wears odd clothes, is extremely desirous of jewels, and suspiciously well-stocked in harmful weaponry for someone who lives so deep in a ragged and remote part of the Iberian peninsula. Typical British expat to be honest. 

Chu-Chu - Quadrilateral Cowboy

There is a bit between levels in first-person hack 'em up Quadrilateral Cowboy where you visit the local bicycle repair shop to chat to the salesman behind the counter. Except he's not a salesman, he's a cat. And it's not a bike shop, it's an arms dealership. In a typically Blendo comic reveal, Chu-Chu ch-changes a record and you watch as the shop transforms around you, replacing handlebars with handguns and saddles with swords. Years later, Chu-Chu would cameo in Blendo's next game Skin Deep, and I was happier to see him appear than any of you were when Leon showed up in Resident Evil Requiem to sell deodorant or whatever he's doing. Oh, sorry, I'm doing it again.

Vault-tec Salesman - Fallout 4

The hapless and hatful man selling access to premium bomb shelters served many purposes in Fallout 4. He was a colourful and on-theme way to get you to create your character by chatting to him at the start of the game. But also a classically Falloutish gag when he reappears many years after the nuclear war as a decaying ghoul. You can recruit him for your own settlement later in the game and assign him to sell brooms out of a shitty trading stand made from scrap metal. Thank god, capitalism will survive.

Brendan the vending machine - Cyberpunk 2077

He's a robot, so I don't like him. But his name is Brendan, so I do like him. He is supposed to sell snacks for a big company, so I don't like him. But he gives away the snacks for free because he is accidentally programmed to be empathetic towards humans, so I like him again. But do I dislike-then-like him as much as Neovend in Citizen Sleeper? Or as much as the vending machine in The Surge 2? It is hard to say or not say.

Merchant - Slay the Spire

That reminds me. Slay the Spire 2 is out tomorrow. I should have just written about that instead of a list article about money-grubbing vultures with no souls and no mora– Sorry. Sorry. We're here to celebrate them. Salesmen. Wonderful people.

Khajiit - Skyrim

Khajiit has wares, we are often told, yet only if one has coin. Interesting. This duality, eloquently laid out in the way only an anthropomorphic feline can, lies at the heart of the the human condition. It is also responsible for thousands of memes where cats look like tiny salespeople. This is a heinous libel. Cats would never offer fair exchange.

The guy whose new girlfriend is a skeleton in a tub
- Dark Souls

You know, the divorced undead dad to your cheery undead mum, you know, the rotting woman who lives in the aqueduct selling poisonous moss. "Ive not seen you in so long dearie," she says every time you come back. That's mum, and this guy with the tub is dad. This is, very honestly, how I have long internalised this pair of videogame salespeople. It is perhaps worth pausing to note that my real mum and dad owned a shop for 30 years. No, I won't think deeply about any of this. It's just a list article about salesmen.