It costs £7 to boot orcs off a cliff

Fatekeeper is deeply unfinished. Ladders warp you from the bottom to the top, menu items are plastered with "WIP", and there's an NPC smithy who hammers on steel without emitting a single "klang" sound effect. There is an big lizard with a saddle, but you cannot ride it (it says "Press E to Pet" the megalizard but there's no petting animation). In so many ways, this sword-swinging first-person RPG is a perfect example of eurojank released in a state of panic. I cannot honestly recommend it, notwithstanding the following counterpoints: 

It has a kick button; it is seven pounds. 

Well, nine pounds if the launch deal has run out by the time you've read this. This is basically Dark Messiah of Might and Magic dragged kicking and screaming and on fire into the light of 2026. It is made by a small team that have somehow maintained a blockbuster studio's backbreaking passion for placing thousands of tiny, hyperrealistic pebbles. I am not joking, it is obsessed with perfectly rendering tiny rocks. Also, you have a talking rat as a best friend.

It is not a polished game, except in the way that Unreal Engine's lighting makes every tomb hallway look predictably astounding. The cockroaches glitch across your face and sometimes the block button does not work. It is as early access as can be. But it costs less than a Big Mac meal and you can cast a magic telekinetic push, like this. 

I should say that I do not like the school of thought which implies early access is "investing" in a game. I am a player, not a shareholder, and buying a game does not give me a stake or a say in its future. I am not investing, I am gambling. I am making a wager with the universe that I may some day have a good time. 

But I do not care if I lose this wager with Fatekeeper, because the buy-in was so low, the ratpal so fucked-up looking, and the kick so chonky and brutal, that I have got my money's worth in the two and half hours it took me to reach the first proper boss fight and promptly give up. I will likely never play Fatekeeper to completion. But I have hoofed enough orclads into abyssal holes to sate my appetite - at least this week - for being a heinous man with a sword. 

The game generously dumps four basic spells in your lap - fireball, iceblurt, pushypush, and an extremely satisfying telekinetic yoink that pulls bozos sharply through the air towards you.

All the environmental combat staples are present, if not always correct. There are puddles of oil to set ablaze as your enemies wander through. There are fragile platforms made of rotten wood that will crumble on top of baddies if you mindblast them. There are flametraps and spikewalls and steep cliffs and waist high balconies that fall apart into stony rubble when you batter lads through them. Shielded foes require a kick to break their guard, but I kick every single person I meet anyway, so they needn't have bothered. 

Archers, on the other hand, are annoying sods. They stand on distant ledges and are surprisingly accurate, which means constant spamming of the dash ability to avoid getting thwipped. You cannot psycholassoo an archer (they have heavy boots or something) so you are forced to chase them down and slice off their arms, or their heads, if you must.

There's some potion mixing going on, with mushrooms to harvest and alchemy pots to stir. And you can make sword-coating poisons that will theoretically give you some edge in the first boss fight against a bullish brute in a drastically enclosed arena. I have seen a video of a second boss fight, soon after this encounter, which is where the game's early access abruptly ends. But I haven't got there yet because I keep getting mallooed by the first big man with the horns. But even if I powered through, the whole thing would wrap up in 3-4 hours.

An ungenerous interpretation of this is to say that this paid product lasts as long as some Next Fest demos. To which I might reply: this is exactly as long as some games ought to last. Also: kick kick kick kick.

I have zero regrets paying the price of cinema popcorn for under three hours of heelstomping ugly freaks into mountain vacuum. This is sometimes all videogames need to be. I am not even especially desirous of a spiritual successor to Dark Messiah. I just love a weighty hoof button. Since Jank prides itself on transparency I will also say I am telling you about it solely because I love making a GIF of said footcatapults and sharing them online so people think I am funny. You can buy Fatekeeper or not, I could not give a rat sidekick's ass. I for one am happy with the bargainous booting.