Halo

20 May 2026 By Brendan Caldwell Character Select

Stardew Valley vs The Flood

Let endless battle persist

Welcome to season one of Character Select. How many seasons will there be? This question will never be satisfactorily answered.

It's likely many of your beloved friends will die in this episode of Character Select, but don't worry. Because they'll come back as horrible bloated infectomorphs with an aggressive desire for violence and no concern for their own bodily well-being. Yay! How will Stardew Valley's farmers fare when facing off against the unflappable parasitic alien species of the Halo series? I cannot in good conscience put my money on anyone but Pam. However, one thing is clear: whoever loses, every member of the Jank audience wins. It's now or it is never now. Select your character!

The case for the Flood

The Flood's figurehead is a giant Audrey II lookalike who speaks in trochaic heptameter. It doesn't do this in some effort to communicate more effectively with humanity. It just likes poetic verse. Also it wants to eat you and everyone you know. The Flood have been so tenacious as a galactic infection that many past civilisations concluded the only solution is mass suicide. The average zomboflood is dextrous enough to use a rocket launcher and leap thirty meters until

13 Apr 2026 By Brendan Caldwell Feature

The best singleplayer levels in first-person PC games

Let me level with you

Last week we confronted Jank readers with the 17 best multiplayer FPS maps in living and possibly unliving memory. Did you think we were finished? You imbecile. You clown. Now it's time for all the brilliant singleplayer levels. And some of them aren't even about shooting.

We had originally sat down to hash out all the finest levels in first-person games without caring how many players were enjoying the view or dying from a ruptured skull. But after compiling that megalist we realised: my god, if we split this monster into multiplayer and singleplayer maps... we will have TWO articles. It was a revolutionary idea, and one that has made Jank approximately 0.05% more efficient this week. We provide stupid jokes and shareholder value.

Fort Frolic - BioShock

A bunny eared enemy with hooks waits outside the doors to Fort Frolic.

Graham: Someone, somewhere is going to say: what about The Cradle, the most beloved level from Thief: Deadly Shadows? To them we say: sorry, we haven't played it. But we have played Fort Frolic, the BioShock level from the same level designer, Jordan Thomas, in which the player is trapped in a district by Sander Cohen, an artist who works across mediums, from "creepy living statues" to "classically scored murder ballet"