Stardew Valley vs The Flood

Welcome to season one of Character Select. How many seasons will there be? This question will never be satisfactorily answered.

It's likely many of your beloved friends will die in this episode of Character Select, but don't worry. Because they'll come back as horrible bloated infectomorphs with an aggressive desire for violence and no concern for their own bodily well-being. Yay! How will Stardew Valley's farmers fare when facing off against the unflappable parasitic alien species of the Halo series? I cannot in good conscience put my money on anyone but Pam. However, one thing is clear: whoever loses, every member of the Jank audience wins. It's now or it is never now. Select your character!

The case for the Flood

The Flood's figurehead is a giant Audrey II lookalike who speaks in trochaic heptameter. It doesn't do this in some effort to communicate more effectively with humanity. It just likes poetic verse. Also it wants to eat you and everyone you know. The Flood have been so tenacious as a galactic infection that many past civilisations concluded the only solution is mass suicide. The average zomboflood is dextrous enough to use a rocket launcher and leap thirty meters until it hits you in the face. And there are usually thousands of them. 

The case for Stardew Valley's villagers

Stardew's townsfolk have lived on top of an infinite monster nest for decades. You don't base your entire economy on slime, iridium and a hazardous material called "void essence" if you are just a quaint little village. These people are not normal. This is not a case of a little town needing to hire the Magnificent Seven to fend off their bullies. There are wizards and witches in this settlement capable of dark arts. There is no law enforcement presence in Stardew Valley because to police these people would be fruitless and dangerous. You can make a bomb in your kitchen here and nobody will stop you. Do you honestly think this town will roll over and let the Flood take it? They will have a harvest festival with bunting made from the guts of their enemies. I wouldn't go to Stardew Valley as a tourist, never mind as an invader. They're not right. They're not right at all.

The arena

Grandad's farm. 

Select your character!

Over to you, bloodthirsty mob. Who'd win? Give us your best reasons and we'll announce the winners of this brawl at the end of the first season. Jank reserves the right to decide a winner on the weight of audience approval alone, or to accept a single commenter's perfect who-would-win logic. But don't go overboard, I won't read more than a paragraph from each of you dirtbags. I have a baby to burp here!