Thumper beetle vs SkiFree Yeti

Welcome to season one of Character Select. How many seasons will there be? Only one person knows the answer, and he is on paternity leave.

This week's hyperfictional showdown is as much thought experiment as battle for survival. Step this way, unstoppable force, let me introduce you to my good friend, immovable object. It's the Beetle from Thumper versus the Yeti from SkiFree. One of them will never stop hunting you and always kills its quarry. The other is a rhythmically violent intradimensional insect capable of passing through realms of consciousness at the speed of thought. This is the Large Hadron Collider of "who'd win" scenarios. The laws of physics hang in the balance. It's now or it is never now. Select your character!

The case for the Beetle from Thumper

Have you seen somebody perform a perfect run in Thumper? It is like watching a migraine achieve sentience and launch into space. There is no species on this planet that can compete with this... thing. I briefly thought about putting Sonic the Hedgehog into this fight against the Yeti, but the blue bozo is always stopping to refuel on chilli dogs or talk to a small creature. The Beetle has no need of meat nor friend. It does not drink, sleep, laugh, or speak. It is carapace and flow, a creature of alien metal and ancient instinct. If you were struck suddenly by the Beetle, you would not merely evaporate into pink mist. You would be relativistically erased from living memory.

The case for the Yeti from SkiFree

This pixel fuck will not leave well enough alone. I know what some of you finer dweebs of internet culture are thinking. You're thinking: "Fnarr fnarr, actually, you can go faster than the Yeti by pressing F and escape quite easily". Oh yeah? Can you? FOREVER? There are reportedly four of these quantum Yetis, each guarding their own quadrant of the slope, and the course eternally loops back on itself, meaning that even if you escape the beast once, you will pass by the starving monster again and again and again. The Beetle from Thumper needs to be fast every time. The SkiFree monster only needs to be fast once.

The arena

The world's ten most dangerous roads in an endless loop until somebody wins or the earth is consumed by the sun, whichever comes first.

Select your character!

The decision is all yours, Jankmate. Who would win? And how? Bless us with the solution to this paradox and we'll include the winner in our round-up at the end of the first season. Jank reserves the right to select a winner based on numbers alone, or to be won over by a lone commenter's words, like a bored tyrant who is made to smile by a random petitioner from a foreign land. Don't overwrite your answers, because I shan't read more than a paragraph. I've got goo-goo-gaa-gaa faces to make here!