Max Payne vs Octodad vs The Flood vs Dog vs SkiFree Yeti
You may remember the brutal massacre that occurred while I was on paternity leave. In the first season of Character Select, we pitted heroic game characters against one another in bloodthirsty brawls and let you argue on their behalf. After careful review of the duels (and comments in support of the various fighters) we can confirm at least five beloved fictional personalities have perished, although the true death toll is probably closer to 50. (Spoilers: the entire population of Stardew Valley has been killed.)
The survivors are listed in the headline above, however, keen-eyed readers may notice the presence of yet more "vs" between them - the dread abbreviation. Well done. You have discovered the truth: the great killing spree is not over. In this gore-soaked season finale, those who remain must now face off in a ferocious free-for-all. Only one will walk away. You, reader, will decide who.
Before we crack on to the battle royale. Let's review the destruction that came before. Thanks to all Jankers who commented with their version of events. In the fight summaries below we've selected our favourite battle outcomes from your collective twisted imaginings. Crowdsourced violence, it's the future of games journalism.
Harry du Bois vs Max Payne
The arena? A pharmacy.
Who won? Max Payne.
What happened?
"[Max Payne voice] I enter the pharmacy desperately looking for painkillers; I've got more holes in my body than alpine dairy, and they're all bleeding. I can hear my wife's voice telling me to let go. This is it, I've finally run out of asphalt to burn... Some blurry faced wino stumbles in front of me, blocking the main aisle. He mumbles something about lizard brains and failed revolutions, and raises a hand cannon to my face, a rictus grin already twisting his mouth. He's dead before I touch the floor... I down the painkillers and move on; the curse of life still weighing heavy on me, at least for now." - Dorga
"I can't find a way that the man who can die getting dressed wins this fight." - Tony B
The Xenomorph vs Octodad
The arena? An ice rink.
Who won? Octodad.
What happened?
"Octodad, ever the prepared suburban father, came equipped with ice skates, which he uses in an attempt to glide gracefully away. Instead, he trips over his own tentacles and takes a catastrophic tumble. In his frantic attempts to right himself, he accidentally slashes the Xenomorph with one of his razor sharp skates. The Xenomorph's acid blood immediately melts the ice. (This ice rink has 3m deep ice because that's the way ice rinks are in real life.) Octodad is now in his native aquatic habitat, giving him home court advantage. The Xenomorph... soon sinks to the bottom of the flooded rink. Once there, the Xenomorph suddenly remembers that it's perfectly capable of swimming, and feels very silly. It briefly considers murdering Octodad, but is too dejected and embarrassed to continue. Octodad wins." - disconcertinglymoist
"Secret mollusk, fearful stink, a spray of acid over ink. The conflict's over in a blink. All goes quiet in the rink." - I_have_no_nose_but_I_must_sneeze
Stardew Valley vs The Flood
The arena? Grandad's farm.
Who won? The Flood.
What happened?
"At 2am, all of Stardew Valley is either asleep or passes out. I suspect the Flood would succeed with a 4-hour uncontested takeover." - Dez
"If you give the Flood enough bundles of goods they will eventually rebuild the community center." - JimJamJamajesty
Dog vs Cat
The arena? A cardboard box factory.
Who won? Dog.
What happened?
"Cat is undone by the arena. Cat sees The Best Cardboard Box, sleeps in it, and forfeits the match to Dog." - Trithemius
"You know this is a big stompy robot, not an actual dog, right? That big robot just needs to do its big stompy thing and he's solved Schrodinger's paradox, in box or out, that cat is splat." - JimJamJamajesty
Thumper's Beetle vs SkiFree's Yeti
The arena: The world's ten most dangerous roads.
Who won? The SkiFree Yeti.
What happened?
"I've seen the Beetle crash and fail. I've never seen that damned Yeti go down. Even dodging it usually leads to speeding splat into a tree. The best that can be managed is to buy the shareware and hope it stops haunting you. The Beetle may manage a few loops through the Yeti's turf, but there's only one way this can end." - Anders (SeekerX)
"The Yeti is an unstoppable, inevitable force of nature. It cannot be sated, satisfied, or erased. Like energy, it can never be destroyed, only turned into another form. Where that other form is but another Yeti, clattering down the slope to nibble on the ankles of another hapless skier. The Beetle may be fast, but the Yeti is faster, and only one of these horrific boys has teeth. Nyam, nyam nyam nyam." - Dansk
"Yeti is an older and stranger power. Inertia and chrome are no defence against things that dwell in the deep forest and the high pass." - Decliner
The final battle
So, there we have it. Let these bruised warriors arrange themselves for the ultimate showdown. It's Max Payne vs Octodad vs The Flood vs Dog vs The SkiFree Yeti in a micro battle royale with only one winner.
The Arena? The Office from The Stanley Parable.
The case for Max Payne: He has uzis and an opioid addiction.
The case for Octodad: He has the brain of an octopus and the heart of a dad.
The case for the Flood: They can infect other combatants...
The case for the SkiFree Yeti: The manifestation of death and time needs neither your rationale nor your support.
The case for Dog: Dog smash.
How is the winner chosen?
Simply use your imagination. How do you think this fight goes? Tell us in the comments, and enjoy the many deathtales from your fellow commenters. This is folk storytelling in practice. If folk stories were about robots, aliens, and depressed policemen.
We will choose the winner at the end of the week on a mysterious basis. We'll also be hosting a poll in Jank's subscriber-only Discord to help gauge sentiment while determining the final result, however this is not legally binding and we may choose to completely ignore it if, for example, we want to. This is not a democracy, but it is a place where your funny comment might get posted when we announce the final survivor. You just need to come up with a good, narratively pleasing (and relatively short!) outcome to this whole mess. What is this? A commentocracy? I don't know, I didn't study political science. I studied BLOODSPORT.
Good luck to all fighters. Die well.
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