The Xenomorph vs Octodad

Welcome to season one of Character Select. How many seasons will there be? That's for me to know and you to never find out.

Last week we introduced the concept of this gladiatorial column, so if you missed that go brush up and see who came out victorious in the debut brawl between the harried cop from Disco Elysium and gruff-voiced policerogue Max Payne. This time, we are going full asymmetry by pitting a ferocious and terrifying extraterrestrial creature against an ordinary family man with nothing unusual about him whatsoever. I never said this would be fair. 

It's now or it is never now. Select your character!

The case for the Xenomorph

Well, its structural perfection is matched only by its hostility, for one thing. It also has acid for blood, two sets of jaws, and a razor sharp tail almost as hazardous as that little bit of plastic left behind when you tear the bottle lid off a European Pepsi. Life-threatening. The xenomorph seems to sleep a lot, like a cat, but it is also in a permanent bad mood, like a cat. If I ever meet a xenomorph, I will auto-expire on the spot to save everyone some time.

The case for Octodad

He has overcome every obstacle ever put in his path. If there is one thing that has helped people survive alien encounters of the haematologically corrosive kind, it is persistence and intelligence. Octodad has both, despite being just your average, run-of-the-mill suburban father. His clumsiness is not a weakness, it is a strength. As long as he can get some solid footing, keep his wits about him, and hold his nerve, he has every chance of staying upright.

The arena

An ice rink. The zamboni is still going round.

Select your character!

All right, this is where you come in, precious idiot reader. Who'd win? Comment with your reasons and we'll announce the winners at the end of the first season. Jank reserves the right to mercurially choose winners based on sheer number of votes, or to simply decide the victor based on one commenter's excellent understanding of alien anatomy. Don't go too mad, I'm not reading more than a paragraph from each of you. I have an infant to soothe here!