Character Select

13 May 2026 By Brendan Caldwell Character Select

The Xenomorph vs Octodad

Let endless battle continue

Welcome to season one of Character Select. How many seasons will there be? That's for me to know and you to never find out.

Last week we introduced the concept of this gladiatorial column, so if you missed that go brush up and see who came out victorious in the debut brawl between the harried cop from Disco Elysium and gruff-voiced policerogue Max Payne. This time, we are going full asymmetry by pitting a ferocious and terrifying extraterrestrial creature against an ordinary family man with nothing unusual about him whatsoever. I never said this would be fair.

It's now or it is never now. Select your character!

The case for the Xenomorph

Well, its structural perfection is matched only by its hostility, for one thing. It also has acid for blood, two sets of jaws, and a razor sharp tail almost as hazardous as that little bit of plastic left behind when you tear the bottle lid off a European Pepsi. Life-threatening. The xenomorph seems to sleep a lot, like a cat, but it is also in a permanent bad mood, like a cat. If I ever meet a xenomorph, I will auto-expire on the spot to save everyone

06 May 2026 By Brendan Caldwell Character Select

Max Payne vs Harry Du Bois

Let endless battle commence

Welcome to season one of Character Select. How many seasons will there be? Shut up, you don't even know the rules yet.

Character Select is that thing you do with your mates when you sit around the TV watching a bad movie and one of you has a sudden attack of stonerbrain and asks: "Who would win: The Hulk or The Meg?" Except we're doing it for PC game characters and our match-ups will be funnier.

On top of pitting two videogame characters against one another in an unspecified yet likely violent form of competition, we'll also tell you what arena they'll face one another in. It is up to you, the filthy commenters, hollering from the stands of this trashy coliseum of popular culture, to decide the winner of each conflict.

I have a small stack of these face-offs prepared and ready to publish every week. I'll be honest, I invented this brawling column as a quick and dirty means of covering my article quota while I am away changing nappies on paternity leave. But don't think about that. The point is: many characters you know and love will die. It's now, or it is