Podcast

Total Playtime: The Ides of Merch

Scenes from a giga-expo outside time and space
By Jon Hicks
A photograph showing the contents of the Dead Island Riptide Zombie Bait Edition, including a statue of a headless, limbless female torso in a Union Jack bikini.
We've come a long way since 2013.

We let Nate have the reigns for this one, which ended predictably: workshopping the most cursed gaming merch items we can conceive of, in an effort to recreate the overpowering anti-rizz of the Halo 2 condom. It's a challenging brief, but we rose to the challenge to the degree that we accept no responsibility for haunting your thoughts after hearing them.

You can listen to the episode right here, and it's also available on Spotify. Share your own cursed merch ideas by mailing us at totalplaytimepod@gmail.com. Join the Discord via jank.cool.

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Total Playtime: The Ides of Merch
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Thanks to God Ribbon for our music, Marsh Davies for our art (which still doesn’t include Brendy; maybe June?) and our Patreons for backing the show.

Links!

Dracula Daily. Halo 2 condoms were mentioned in Folding Ideas' Why Was I Invited To Beast Studios? The Dead Island Riptide Zombie Bait Edition. Big Mouth Billy Bass. The Laura Palmer Funko Pop. Funko is not doing so great. Under Siege 2: Dark Territory.

Games!

Halo 2, I guess? Scorn, Dead Space, Splatterhouse (1988) and Splatterhouse (2010), Stardew Valley.

Recommendations!

Skip Intro's Yellowstone Is So Much Worse Than You Think. Travel on Eurostar. Primate (2025).

Tagged with:
Podcast / Total Playtime Premium Episode
Jon Hicks

Jon Hicks

Jon is Editorial Director of GamesIndustry.biz. He has previously managed a lot of games websites and worked at a lot of live events. He contributes to Jank in his spare time and doesn't cover anything here that he's covered at work.