Jank Mail: Phil out, VR and sequels

Plus: Molyneux is doing it again

Welcome to Jank Mail, our rundown of the week in PC gaming and Jank in particular. I like to start with the latter because we are of course the true arbiters of what matters, but today I have no choice but to start with IGN’s reveal that Big Phil is out at Xbox, along with his presumed successor Sarah Bond, prompting a lot of late-night discourse and Microsoft rushing out the PR plan that was supposed to kick in next week. 

I’m a bit down about it: Xbox has been a state of perpetual struggle in the last decade and lots of people have well-developed reasons to hate Spencer's guts, but in my encounters he was always a nice guy who consumed and cared about the products his business made. This made him a very rare breed in the executive class, who routinely regard both their output and their audience as budget line items. His replacement is a jar-grown exec who previously headed Microsoft’s AI output so the discourse outlook isn’t wonderful, although she said games are art in her intro message so at least that’s one argument we can stop having.

What else

Vholume demands to be played with your entire body

First-person parkour on the concrete's edge.

After an hour in Vholume, my neck aches and my legs are shaking. It's because I've been tensed like a coiled spring for the duration, racing in a first-person parkour time trial where a single mistake might cause me to fall to my death or worse, fail to break my personal best.

"First-person parkour" might bring to mind Mirror's Edge, and sure enough Vholume has the wall-running and bum-slides to go split-toe to split-toe with that cult classic. But Vholume is the work of Léonard Lemaitre (among others), one of the brothers responsible for Jank favourites Babbdi and Straftat. There's no gleaming city of glass here, only the by-now trademark brutalist architecture and water-damaged concrete that makes you feel like you're racing through an empty server of some forgotten Half-Life mod.

Vholume's current free beta contains just two tracks, and it's the basic hub world that has obsessed me for most of the past week. It's a simple circuit under grey skies, with an abyssal drop which threatens to swallow you from below. You will race around it a few times and pretty quickly achieve a time quick enough to grant you a bronze medal, at which point you will

What you should play this weekend

Tell us what you are playing in the comments

I took the Steam Deck with me when travelling last weekend, and instead of leaving it in my suitcase untouched in favour of reading books, as per usual, I spent much of my downtime playing tactical deckbuilder StarVaders. This is because I know I need to write posts for Jank and therefore must be playing games in every spare moment. Cheerfully, it's also because I think you'd appreciate the articles even if they're about games outside the current release cycle. This is highly motivating, so thanks.

On the other hand, you're making me less literate. Read on for some games you could be playing in lieu of reading books this weekend - and tell us what you are playing in the comments.

A character shoots a fireball from a plant at an enormous tree man surrounded by dazed tree children.
This certainly doesn't look like any Zelda dungeon I've ever seen.

Under The Island

I'm never too excited by the sight of another 2D Zelda-like, because the formula is simple enough that it often struggles to shine at lower levels of execution. Under The Island is threatening to overcome my skepticism with its trailers, which show an impressively diverse world and an emphasis upon the puzzle part of the formula over the combat.

Styx the goblin hides behind a box with a knife while a troll or something walks nearby.
This is pure bullshot, in

The best Zachlike is getting a big surprise expansion

And it's half as long as the original

Nine years after stoically engineering one of the finest puzzle games known to humanity, the creators of Opus Magnum have decided to release a chunky prequel expansion that is "around half the length of the original". God, I needed this. For anyone who fondly remembers posting GIF after GIF of their clicky-clacky solutions in the original alchemical braintickler, it is good news. Good enough to break our usual cynical binning of press releases here at Jank, and relay some of the details.

It's called Opus Magnum: De Re Metallica, and let me pause here to say it is a terrible idea to tempt fate by invoking the name of a famously litigious rock band, but never mind. We'll soon have more clonky puzzles with swivelly mechano arms.

It's going to have it's own prequel story, about a "maverick alchemical researcher" who is inventing reckless stuff which'll see him "clash with established orthodoxy, bicker with his assistant, and attract attention from the Great Houses." I enjoy the stories of these games but I imagine a lot of folks only care about cold hard facts. So know that there are three new "glyphs". Three fresh chapters of puzzles. And a difficulty level

Creature Kitchen is a fireside menace about making bigfoot breakfast

The way to a monster's heart is through its stomach(s)

Failbetter Games have described their upcoming eldritch-garden-'em-up Mandrake as having 'fireside menace'. This is a description I find pleasing, and I'm keen to blow oxygen on the flame of that term before something I find nauseating like "fluffy spookems" or "nightlight-slop" catches instead. This is most especially in light (that of a flickering, unreliable torch) of playing Creature Kitchen. It's a new-ish game where I threw PB&J sandwiches at a raccoon with the calculating expression of Jane Goodall observing a favourite gorilla.

In Creature Kitchen you materialise outside a small log cabin and use subtle video game context clues, such as written instructions, to divine that your job is to feed the titular creatures that live there. In the beginning these are recognisable, if Wednesday Addams-adjacent critters, like the aforementioned raccoon, a raven, a mouse. 

You prepare meals by bish-bash-boshing ingredients in your oven, and throw them at the cryptid in question, in a paper lunch bag. When they're pleased, they provide keys to open locked cupboards or rooms elsewhere. The whole house is a strange puzzle cabinet, and it all makes sense in context, because the context also covers an infinite pantry with a poltergeist, a

Total Playtime: Extremely Online Beef People

Plus: the idealogical opposite of Rivers Cuomo

Total Playtime is a Patreon-supported podcast about videogames, hosted by Alice Bell, Jon Hicks, Brendan Caldwell and Nate Crowley. Jank has partnered with them and we'll be posting new episodes each week.

It is once again time for Total Playtime, which this week sees Alice, Brendy and myself gather to pick over the major news topics of the moment: AI-based hardware shortages, the ongoing mishaps of Highguard, and the political implications of asking a lot of people to make cat noises. I must warn you that this is preceded by a lengthy preamble on parents injuring themselves, the absolute bullshit that is being middle-aged, and Big Pharma's devious attempts to distract you from the altogether more affordable health solutions of Medium Bee.

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Total Playtime 29: Extremely Online Beef People
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These matters dealt with, we can move on the major issues. First up: the insatiable demand for vibe coding, fake girlfriends and plagiarism is sucking all the RAM out of the market and that problem is spreading from PCs to consoles and also everything else, because everything has a memory chip in it now because how can it possibly show you targeted advertising without one. The

Fantasy Life i: The Girl Who Stole Time review

Oh no! My time!

Early in Fantasy Life i, a character tells me that I stink. It's the stench of idleness, he says, and the only solution is to get a job. This happens after I've washed ashore on a beautiful tropical island where my first instinct is to enjoy the sunshine or, more prudently, find the means to urgently save the friends I last saw stranded at sea upon a sinking ship. Rescue can wait, apparently, because first I need to prove my worth by seeking out a career. "How are you going to help people without a job?" I am asked.

I started playing Fantasy Life i last year almost immediately after giving notice at my job of twelve years. "Friend," I wanted to say, "simply having a job doesn't keep the stink off."

Fantasy Life calls its 14 different careers "Lives" - no I will not write an entire essay about this - and the unifying fantasy offered by each one is that your work is a mutually beneficial transaction that helps everybody, makes the world a better place, and rewards you with both personal satisfaction and upward mobility. You perform this work for always-grateful townspeople around a colourful and familiar

I will break EVE Online's stupid AI chatbot

It literally cannot count

Some of you who've had to interact with customer service chatbots will doubtless know the joy of bullying them until you force a human to reveal themselves and usher the idiot robot away. I am the kind of sicko who loves to pick on machines. I will absolutely build a brick enclosure around delivery bots. My partner once had a vacuum bot and I would hoot with laughter every time I nudged it just so, causing it to get trapped under the sofa and say, in its sad sad robot voice: "wHeELs aRe StuCK". I just cannot help it. Many machines are morons and deserve to be mocked.

Eve Online just added an AI chatbot to "help" beginner players navigate its famously complex, intimidating and brutal MMO universe of hideous skulduggery. I am determined to break its spirit. 

To give you some context, the makers of the ancient and endlessly write-about-able spaceship spreadsheet game have - as is their habit - been slurping on the hot gunge of the tech billionaire class, this time in the form of generative AI hype. While previous binges have resulted in a blockchain spinoff with crypto horse manure, this time they've focused on

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